Take a Knee for Jackie B

Hey Folks,

It's your old pal Jack Burton here. Now listen, there's a topic that's really been grindin' my gaskets lately and I'm just gonna have to rap about it for a moment so take a knee, will ya? I promise this won't take long, and you'll be back to your regularly scheduled program.

The topic for today is Halloween Safety. Now, unless you're some invalid living under a barn in Pooskatuska, you know Halloween is a kick ass time for babes to show off the goods, the perfect opportunity for a wimp to indulge fantasies of being a ninja or a truck driver, and it's the ultimate day for children to rot their chicken chompers with all the variety of sugary what-have-you's under the lord's butterscotch sunball in the sky. 'Nuff said, right?


Now kickin' back and having a blast is why The Man Upstairs put us here, but you always gotta keep a keen mind and an eye out for dirt bags who want to serve up an extra large family style portion of trouble, free delivery. Think I sound over-precautious? Let me tell you about 'ol Jack Burton's 10-thirty one...

I dressed up as myself 'cause when you wake up every morning and look at Jack Burton in the mirror, you eventually lay off the employees in the fantasy department of the old noggin' if you know what I'm saying.

So there I was, finally cruisin' the sidewalk without getting the Santa Monica rubber neck from each and every nose picker's nanny and nephew on the gosh forsaken street. I was enjoying the anonymity so much that I didn't realize I was throwing back the pint glasses like the ocean throws back seashells! In fact, last thing I remember is walking around some church yard seriously contemplating climbing a tree.

Long story short, I don't even remember meeting up with Wang Chi. Hell, I don't remember anything at all. My pals tell me I brandished my conversation-stopper at a taxi cab, fell over a parked bicycle, was extremely affectionate, and spoke like a damn Mexican. Harmless enough, right? Sure... until I woke up the next morning and discovered some scum sucker had cut a huge hole in my pants pocket in an attempt to lift Jack Burton's wallet!

That's no joke, folks. Jack Burton is all for a good time but when we get careless we make ourselves targets. I'm just lucky my skin tight pants refused to drop the wallet, which was glued to my gluteus like a starfish in love. Bottom line is this: the city is a hotbed for goons, spookers, and crud weasels -- and Halloween is precisely the time when they are most at liberty to inflict their sin spectacle upon unsuspecting revelers. It takes crackerjack concentration to spot low lifes when they're dressed up like a giant hot dog or a fire fighter. Once you've had a coupla Four Lokos and a dozen other indulgences, you ain't gonna know Bethlehem from Bedlam.

So don't be a dumb ass, everybody. Next Halloween remember what ol' Jack Burton always says, "When the full moon is shining like a brand new silver dollar, and the girls are all doing their best Pam Anderson, when the fish are all swimmin' sideways in the middle of a bottomless amber ocean..." you know what Jack Burton says, don't 'cha? Yea, he says, "Enjoy that ice cream, folks! Just see to it that it don't melt all over your pants. Oh, and brush your teeth before that final curtain call!"

this is an editorial by Jack Burton from Big Trouble In Little China and may not reflect the views of ILOANBooks