Birth is Murder by Dirk Schmidt

I think "birth," or rather the act of conception, is murderous.

Now, to meet the strict definition of murder, the act of conceiving fails to meet a single obvious criteria: That of being "unlawful." Let's disregard this for the moment. Certainly we can all appreciate that, at times in our human history, certain acts of despicable morality have been deemed permissible by law (slavery, for one). 

Instead, let's focus on the other 4 conditions that must be present to meet the legal definition of "murder." (1) The killing (2) of a human being (3) by another human being (4) with malice aforethought.

Now, let's consider "birth." (1) ALL deaths (2) of ALL humans (3) are the inevitable consequence of their conception by their human parents. I submit for the court's consideration that any birth whatsoever submits the victim to a sentence of death (a.k.a., it kills them) at some arbitrary point in their future. Furthermore, the victim suffers psychological trauma of the greatest degree in not knowing when this sentence shall be carried to term. (Pun intended).

Perhaps, you say, but what of condition (4), malice aforethought? "Murder," at least in the legal sense, requires an intent to kill. This is called "malice aforethought." One definition of this malice is the "reckless indifference to an unjustifiably high risk to human life," the conscious disregarding of a risk to death (the common example being the operation of a motor vehicle while intoxicated).

While there is generally no intent to kill present when a couple conceives, there can be no argument against the following fact: Every single human being ever to be born will die. That is, the conception is one that is DEFINITELY recklessly indifferent to an unjustifiably high risk to a human life. Actually, this single act carries the highest possible risk (wouldn't you agree that 100% risk is "unjustifiably" high?)!

Just as a drunk driver has no intent to kill anybody as they climb into the car, the conceiving couple has no intent to kill anybody when they conceive. The law just says being unintentionally stupid is equivalent to being an intentional asshole. Everyone knows it to be the case that an episode of drunk driving could potentially lead to death. Just as everyone knows it to be the case that every birth leads to death; the risk is consciously disregarded. (The operation of genitalia while under the influence of intoxicating chemicals, a.k.a. "baby fever.")

So you've taken it upon yourself to defend these murderers? Perhaps, you'll argue, there are "mitigating circumstances." Your clients' minds were unbalanced, their judgment was affected by the demonstrable biological urge to procreate, and we ought to consider a reduction to manslaughter.

Perhaps. I suppose that's up to a jury of your peers to decide. Though the fact that their "diminished responsibility" was caused by a completely normal and not an abnormal state of mind will certainly set a new legal precedent. (I'm sorry, but to claim the death was "unintentional" is not a legally viable option: We've already determined that it is easily anticipated, and 100% avoidable [there were a wide variety of birth control and abstinence options available to your clients at the time of their heinous disregarding of human life, a.k.a. "conception"]).

Dear Mom and Dad; Please retain a lawyer.