untitled by Andria Alefhi

Ambulance went down my street, E 5th, just as I was turning the key in the lock on the front door so I couldn't jam my fingers in my ears. Ambulances are always going up 1st ave, down 2nd ave more popular. The east village seems to be the hot spot for sirens. Monday night at Dallas BBQ with Dori, we counted 4 siren varieties (fire, police, ambulance) in the span of 90 minutes.

On Monday evening, my biggest concern was packing the clocks in pizza boxes, painting my toe nails to celebrate the paranormal summer weather, calling my Aunt, and celebrating having finished the big project for 620 not as the very last minute. On Sunday, my biggest concern was the project and securing pizza boxes for clock delivery.

 Last night, Wednesday? I barely know what day it is. The last three days have been a literal, non-stop blur. I haven't had time to eat. My phone died yesterday and after turning it on and off and removing the battery about 50x over the course of a few hours, I accepted it. But I didn't have time to deal with ordering a new one. I was up until 1:37am having started studying for a midterm I realize I am ill prepared for, and writing a paper that was due yesterday. I was the only one in class that didn't have the assigned paper done. I thought it was due at the end of the semester. I hadn't checked the syllabus. A lot of classes don't exactly go weekly by the syllabus. Another student did ask me if I had finished my paper, and I actually (can't believe it, in retrospect) said I think the professor doesn't care about it. I then sat in said class, not comprehending the whole lecture because my mind was on the paper. I also didn't prepare for the class because I had not looked at neuroanatomy for 2 weeks since it has been spring break. I forgot that graduate students don't really take a spring break. He then handed out midterm grades, and I got the lowest grade in class.

I am fallible. I also feel like, hey, I could quit at any time. I don't have to do this program. I reflect when the going gets tough, I kind of review the road ahead of me, my age, my career thus far, what I want to be doing with my time. The longer I spend in school the more opportunities where I fall off the balance beam between student and professor, in the same department, which is sticky.

Yesterday I also forgot to go to an interpreting assignment that I accepted a month ago.

Today I was within a foot of being hit by a bus because I literally did not look to my left when crossing the street, in a hurry to get into the shade, because I forgot to apply sunscreen this morning. Sun on my face in this condition, being a recent rosecea flare-up is the equivalent of a heart attack.

 Last week Wednesday instead of being up until 1:37am trying to write a paper on electroencephalogram (which I started 24 hours ago and barely know what it means) I was in pajamas and on the couch with my aunt and dad, watching Wheel of Fortune, free on-demand movies, and being in bed by 11pm.

 My dad today: woke up at 8:35am. Got 6.5 hours of sleep. Decided whether to go to Mogador for a sit down breakfast (ha, a dream! in present condition) or work on either: ordering a new phone, my neuro paper, email student who may fail my class I did all three. I left the house late and did not get breakfast. I also did not complete the phone order.
Went to a job at 10:30am. Got lucky and client did not come. Used the time to order new phone, as life is on hold with broken phone. Picked up lunch and went to teach class. Ate lunch while walking. Taught class from 12:30-2pm. Tried to find neuro professor to see if I was on right track with paper. He did not have time to discuss. Already late to 3pm job, and it was much farther away than I thought. Walking, starving, towards job, I used last 2 dollars to go 2 blocks in a cab. Job called me to see if I was coming but my phone is dead.

 Cannot eat after job either because I have no money in wallet.

Walk directly to train and train gets stuck in tunnel 15 minutes at Brooklyn Bridge. Late to class and needing food I can eat with an ATM card, I pick up a burger and eat it in the 5:30pm class that I get to at 6:05pm. I listen to students complain about the problems they are having in their lives this week while I try not to think about mine. Get home at 9pm. Try to decide where the controls and decisions in my life. Try to decide why I am in these situations where I am not prepared.

Situations where I am over worked. Why am I taking on this graduate program? Do I even want to? Don't even have time to have an opinion.

I close the window in the living room that Jon opened. He thinks it's fresh air. I think it stinks.

 Since I last checked email (no phone) at 2:10pm, I have 33 new emails.